Why Does The Transition To Motherhood Feel So Hard?
Biological Explanations and Practical Implications To The Overwhelm of Motherhood
As a self-proclaimed home body and a definite introvert, I’ve always loved my alone time. I’ve been highly aware from a young age that I can only recharge on my own. Being with people can be fun but I know when I’ve hit my limit and I’ve always been able to manage a balance.
Then I had a child. I never really anticipated that having a child would deplete my social energy; specifically in the first two years when my baby wasn’t exactly carrying out conversations with me.
They’re learning words, yes, and you are speaking to them constantly, but it’s a very different experience than going for coffee with a friend.
The first year with a newborn has many challenges, but for me, it was around the 14 month mark that I noticed a serious change in my mental resilience. Now that my son was mobile, I had to be constantly vigilant to our surroundings; I was amazed at how many “normal” household items and set ups suddenly became dangerous threats to my child.
Anything on the floor was guaranteed to be going in his mouth, any sharp corner was a potential eye gouge or goose egg, and any steps or things he could climb held the risk of a fall. It is absolutely incredible how many times you can say NO to a toddler in one day.
The adventurous toddler spirit is a wonderful thing of course, and definitely to be expected, yet I found myself wondering why I was becoming a shell of a person. Why was I feeling like I just left a 4 day long music festival? I was depleted of social energy, even to the extent of being unable to have a conversation with my husband. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was weak- as a mother and as a wife- and that I should be able to handle this without feeling so depleted.
After some deep contemplation and digging into the research, I discovered a few key things that contributed to this internal state. If you are finding yourself going through similar feelings, this next part might help create some understanding.
1. You’re Not Weak, You’ve Been Re-Wired.
When a woman becomes a mother, her brain undergoes physiological changes that serve to maximize the safety and protection of her child.
Research shows that new mothers experience loss in grey matter- suggesting more efficiency and specialization in certain areas of the brain. The specific grey matter loss has been shown in areas of social signals (assessing the needs, desires and intensions of others) and memory (which would explain the renowned “mom brain” that involves acute memory for anything to do with the child but a general brain fog for everything else).
Essentially, our brain works in a relatively stable way, with the goal of keeping us safe. Then when we have a child, our brain shifts gears and our entire focus becomes tunnel visioned on keeping our child safe.
2. You Need Help, But You Feel Guilty Asking
As much as I knew I needed help, I would find an excuse to avoid asking. My independent nature would prevent me from leaning into community, assuming (wrongly) that I would be a burden to ask for help. Furthermore, I’d often hear a loud sigh from my husband when I would ask him for help, and I perceived this as him communicating that I was a nuisance for asking.
Women are naturally relational beings, and they often sacrifice the self for the whole; meaning, women consider how something affects the entire family when making decisions. As such, I felt guilty for asking (if I heard that audible sigh), so I stopped asking. But then I read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner and I was confronted with this idea that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings and, therefore, it is not our job to make sure our partner is constantly comfortable. I realized that I can ask him to do something for me but I cannot make him WANT to do that thing for me. So I’ll ask, and he can do it or not do it, he can sigh or not sigh, but my responsibility is simply to do the asking.
3. You Are Carrying The Mental Load, Which Is Sneakily Exhausting.
Being a mother is a cognitive job. You have to pay attention, not just to the big picture, but to the tiny little details you may not have thought about pre-children. Safety concerns alone can include choking hazards, stairs (falling hazards), open windows, shelves or anything that could be pulled down on top of the child, cats and dogs… the list goes on. And safety is just one aspect; there is also checking and changing diapers frequently, ensuring enough healthy food and water is given, cultivating emotional safety and a healthy attachment, learning the body language of your child while also trying to teach them verbal language. Obviously, there is a lot to think about as a mother, but I was only able to acknowledge the validity of my overwhelm when I began to zoom out and see that I was also taking care of the entire home- grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, garbage and recycling, caring for the cat, making appointments, etc.
In other words, I was carrying the mental load, which is the invisible, exhausting cognitive and emotional labour required to run a family. Learning about the mental load and how this affects so many mothers, often to the point of burn out, was profoundly validating. I could have let out a loud sigh of relief, like “ahh, I’m normal; it all makes sense.” I wasn’t alone and my experience was understandable.
If you are a parent and you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, exhausted or totally depleted, here is my gentle encouragement for you:
Recognize that the brain changes in parenthood, acknowledge that it’s a tough transition, and notice how much of the mental load you are carrying.
Ask for help when you need it- we’re not meant to do this alone and needing support is nothing to be ashamed of.
Cultivate self-compassion by having your own back. Speak to yourself like you would speak to a dear friend. Use encouraging, gentle language rather than guilting yourself into over-functioning.
Always remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, so making mistakes and feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human.
If you want to continue this conversation and work through the transition to parenthood, or another important life transition, book your session at the link here:
